Beauty still....

     So many days pass that turn into weeks with my best intentions of getting to write and keep everything updated on here.  We are still greatly grieving "Mary Ellen", there are just not words for what that looks like. 

     It has been profound to be both happy and sad with everything that has transpired, to rejoice and yet grieve, to trust God and at the same time try not to get lost in asking why.  There hasn't been a clear separation in any of those emotions, when one comes - the other is near as well.

     Today a precious young woman celebrated her birthday!  She has a testimony of God's great love for her, love that causes broken things to be beautiful!  What was meant for bad in her life, God has been faithful to use for good and as she shares her testimony with others their eyes can't help but to look to Jesus.  So my birthday message to her was about a broken windshield we had once...  I'm sure that sounds like a great "Happy Birthday"....  I'm not sure if I have blogged about what God shown me with that broken windshield.  If I have, sorry to bring it up again.  The windshield had been hit by a little rock or something once while we were driving.  It left a small nick in the glass.  It stayed like that for a very long time with no change for months.  Then winter came... and that nick turned into a crack.  A very impressive crack that stretched most of the windshield.  For the most part it did not bring "good feelings"... mostly for my husband as he was going to have to pay to get the windshield replaced!  There was however a day when he was driving and I noticed something about that crack that I hadn't seen before.  The light of course was coming through the windshield just like it does every other day... but where the crack was, the most beautiful and amazing array of colors were shining through.  I had this moment of trying to get my husband to appreciate the beauty in it, but he wasn't really having it!  I couldn't help but think of how God does the same thing for us.  He uses the very broken things in our life to bring about some of the most intense, awe inspiring beauty!!  So this is why I wrote about a broken windshield to such a precious friend on her birthday (Happy Birthday sweet Dahlia).  God has used broken things for amazing beauty in her life. 

     With the same love, He has been merciful to allow beauty even through the brokenness of our grieving. 

     Kisses From Katie (pg 179)  "Esau and Jacob meet for the first time in a long time.  As Jacob approaches Esau, with his many children following close behind,  Esau asks, 'And who are these with you?'  Jacob replies:  'These are the children that the Lord saw fit to bless me with.' " 

     And to finally share with you officially since I haven't made a formal update in an actual post here....

THESE ARE THE CHILDREN THAT THE LORD SAW FIT TO BLESS US WITH

 

 

"Sadie" - Sadie will be 10 in just a few months!  She has Osteogenesis Imperfecta (Brittle Bone Disease).  Sadie is the best friend of our daughter Sophia that I mentioned in the last blog post.  The nannies told us that the girls have been together since they first learned to talk.  They share a room with children that are non verbal and most are bedridden.  Sadie and Sophia have been life to each other in many ways.  While we were in country I posted and advocated for Sadie to have a family.  We spent everyday with her that we spent with Sophia and knew she would make a very precious daughter for the family that would come for her.  At that point, we had no idea she would be our daughter one day.  Sadie is spunky, she is determined.  If you have the pleasure of hearing her giggle one day, you will never forget it!  She is a leader and she is unstoppable.    Sadie did have a family that met her earlier this year.  They could not continue the adoption at that time.  They have never stopped loving her and never will.  We thank the Lord for this family and their love for her.

 

 



"Sophia" - Sophia is 6!  She has Spina Bifida.  That does not stop this girl at all!!  She swings as high as the swing will go and when you push her in the stroller she tries to rock it to go faster!!  We received news in September that Sophia had been very sick.  She needed to have emergency surgery for her shunt being dislodged.  We have received the most precious pictures and videos of her in the hospital.  There she sat wrapped in the blanket we left her.  When we were with her we showed that we left kisses and our love in that blanket until we could come back for her....  to see her wrapped in it while we couldn't be with her meant so much.  She is doing very well since the surgery.  We have been able to Skype with her and Sadie both.  They are very happy they can stay together and will now be sisters forever.  Sophia is precious.  I have never saw her without a smile.  She reached her hand out over and over to be held wile we were with her.  The director said that no matter what trouble life may have brought to Sophia, she has never lost her joy.   

 

"Alonzo" - Alonzo is 8!  He has limb differences in that he is missing both thumbs as well as a bone in one arm.  He also has some bone anomalies in his feet.  To think of Alonzo, I cannot help but remember when he ran to the gate when we arrived.  He was shouting and the director turned to us and said he is asking "Are they mine, are they mine!?!"  Alonzo is remarkable, there is nothing that slows him down.  He was so busy with everything around him while we were with him.  Then it came to the day we had to leave, he looked at me so seriously when I cried.  The older boys explained to him that we were going to miss him very much.  It was a hard concept for him to understand.  I look forward to him being home and getting to experience how loved he is. 

 

Celita - Celita just turned 15!  She is the baby that God first made me a mother with.  She is beautiful not only on the outside but to the inner most parts of her heart.  She is an amazing artist.  She holds fast to her God given convictions.   

 

Adante - Adante just turned 13!  He is kind.  He seeks to know what God wants him to do.  He has a heart for the people of China and we look forward to seeing how God will use that.  Adante and I share the same awkward habit of laughing if we are in tense situations.

Cesali - Cesali is 10!  She is a nurturer.  This girl has always had a song in her heart and you can find her singing all day long.  She is unique in everyway.  She has a determined spirit and she does not back down from what she knows is right.  

Azadio - Azadio is 8!  He is compassionate.  He will share whatever he has whether it would be a favorite toy or a snack.  It blesses his heart to give and make others happy.  He is most happy right in the center of all of his siblings to spend time with. 

Lelia - Lelia is 5!  She asks everyday if this is the day we will go to Bulgaria for her sisters and brother.  She is the little sister but she has a big personality.  She is so expressive, you can see when she is thinking something big up just by the look in her eyes.  She is a cuddler for sure!

Alais - Alais is 2!  He brings laughter to every single one of us.  He will walk into a room and announce "I'm praying" and just pray and pray!  He is a helper and wants to be a part of whatever anyone is doing.  You cannot convince him at all that he is the baby. 

We are blessed beyond measure!  I believe with all my heart that God is good, even when we experience pain, loss, or brokenness.  And because He is good, I give Him thanks - These are the children that the Lord saw fit to bless me with!

We will continue to advocate for Mary Ellen and pray that the family that God is preparing to meet her new needs will be able to see her soon and bring her home.  Please consider sharing her info that they might find her quickly.  Thank you.

Is there something on my face?

A few weeks ago I heard our youngest son in his precious toddler voice ask me, "Me pretty Mommy?"  As I turned to say yes, I was greeted with this face!



All I could see was joy from one side of his face to the other (and just a little of his teenage sister's mascara)!  He wanted to hear something wonderful, something so sweet.  He wanted me to see him and the great work he just did!  "Yes baby, you are pretty", I told him as I picked him up to kiss him.  He then asks, "You pretty Mommy?" and extends the mascara to my face! 

That moment with him has really had me reflecting on what has been on my face.

I had thought I would get to write in July and it just turned into a whirlwind.  I think throughout the last months I may have worn hundreds of different emotions.

We received dates to travel quickly to meet the children we are adopting.  We have never left our children EVER and suddenly we had to leave them for two and a half weeks, it was so painful.  All our fundraising for July needed to be canceled and we had a huge fee due ($8000).  So many emotions with finally meeting our children, and so many emotions we never could have imagined facing or experiencing!  Emotions that were so much better than I could have expected and emotions that came from pain I have never known until now.   

Even though it has been a wide range of emotions, I know what I desire to wear.  It makes me think of everytime someone tells our oldest daughter she looks like me and she kinda gives a little laugh.  I look at what I have been wearing on my face at times and I have to laugh and maybe cry.... did I forget?  Did I actually question for even one moment that while everything was changing that TRUTH had changed? 

I truly don't want my circumstances to be what is shown on my face, but maybe more of a reflection of what I am experiencing.  And in whatever everyday looks like and even right now when there are still so many emotions we are working through what I want that reflection to be is that I am experiencing God in all of it....  tears, praises, when I am struggling and clinging to Him or when I am conquering something in His great name, when I find myself in the valley or desert place or on the mountaintop I am experiencing Him and when I don't have words or cannot stop singing His praises I am still in it all experiencing HIM.

Early on when we started our adoption, the book Reflections on the Seven Realities of Experiencing God spoke so much to myself and our children as we read through it for devotion time.  Starting right in the introduction, "Experiencing God is so much more than a Bible study course.  It is truly a way of life..."  "It is the only life that is really worth living.  For when God awakens in you a thirst for spiritual things, nothing else can satisfy your hunger for meaning and purpose but a real-life encounter with the living God."   

Reality #1 is:  God is always at work around you.
Reality #2:   God Pursues A Love Relationship with you.
Reality #3:  God invites you to join Him in His work.
Reality #4:  God speaks to His People.
Reality #5:  God's invitation leads to a crisis of belief.
Reality #6:  Joining God Requires Major Adjustment
Reality #7:  You experience God as you obey Him.

So here it goes.... here is what has been on my face....

Our oldest children would be on a mission trip the first week we were in Bulgaria and at church camp the last week.  That left our 4 youngest ones together.... but we wouldn't be with them and it hurt so much.  I had never seen my husband cry in 15 years of marriage the way he did when we took our children to stay with a very close family.  We wore pain that day.  I didn't know how on this earth we could do this.  My ten year old looks at me and says through her tears, "I don't think I can do this".  I can almost not see her I am crying so hard, "I don't think I can do this either.  I can't go."  She stops, she wipes her tears and leans in to wipe mine, "You have to go!"  She kissed me and tried to smile.  So many hugs, so many kisses.... and then we were on our way.

I have never flown, neither of us have ever visited another country.  We were shuffling through airports, we were on flights for what seemed like forever, and then we landed in a beautiful country where we would finally meet the children we have loved and waited so long to see.

Our bus ride to the region that "Sophia" lives in was suppose to be 4 hours but was much longer.  It was hot, the air conditioning stopped at one point and started dripping water onto all the seats.  I could only laugh...there were fields and fields of sunflowers we drove by, we would see our daughter in just one more day, the air smelled like roses literally...  I wore anticipation on my face that day and maybe a little wonder.

I remember when we pulled up to "Sophia's" orphanage....I began to feel anxious.  What would it be like, I know she may not understand what is going on it may take her a couple days to allow us to show her any affection.  We waited and waited and waited.  In the meantime the youngest little girls in the orphanage were coming down the steps.  They could have only been maybe three and under.  One little girl waved and waved at us.  Another stood on the steps and stared.  The little one that waved went back and helped the other down the stairs as the nanny called to them.  I really felt like I could not wait any longer.  We were called into a room.  The director began to tell us how despite everything our daughter has endured she is so joyful.  She began to cry and said they worried no one would ever come for her, that no one would see past her medical needs and come.  She said that our daughter has a very close friend.  This friend has even more medical needs she said.  She shared that her friend had a family that had already come to meet her but could not finish the adoption.  The director said that she and the nannies were very concerned at what this will do for her friend "Sadie" to see "Sophia" now has a family.  They both stay together in a building that housed children that are bedridden and nonverbal when we were there.  She went on to say that the night before we came "Sophia" and "Sadie" talked while they were in their cribs.  "Sophia" could not sleep she was so nervous and she asked "Sadie", "what if they don't like me".  "Sadie" replied, they are going to love you.  And "Sophia" says, "then we must buy cake to celebrate"!  Just as she finishes telling us this, she says "here she comes" and points to the window.  There she was!  Suddenly I am so nervous...  I have no idea what to expect.  The door begins to open and before I can even see her she yells "Mamma!!!!!"  They brought her to me and she grabs my hand right away...and smiles and smiles".  She absolutely loves holding hands and reaches to always have her hand touching one of us.  That day how silly of me...  I know I wore anxiousness...but oh how it melted away with her smile! 

We spent everyday with "Sophia" and "Sadie".  We would play hide and seek pushing them in their strollers, they could blow bubbles for hours, draw for hours, make bead jewelry for hours.  The more time we spent together it was easy to see these girls were so much more than friends... they were life to each other.  "Sophia" wore a big smile the entire time!  "Sadie" would kick her little legs each time we arrived.  The translator would ask our daughter a question and she would just look at her and smile.  "Sadie" would say, "you aren't saying anything" or if she did answer she would tell her to use sentences and not just yes or no.  If we laughed, "Sadie" would repeat whatever she just heard us say in English and then laugh really hard too...she would then look at the translator and ask, "what are we laughing at?"

One day when we arrived I heard a voice shouting "Mama, Mama" inside the building were they stay.  I looked at our translator and asked if she thought it was "Sophia" and she said maybe.  Just then they brought her through the door and she shouted again, "Mama"!!  I cannot wait to be able to share that picture.  The nannies said the evening before that "Sadie" cried very hard for us when we left.  When it was time to take our daughter for her visa picture it was the very first time that "Sadie" would not be with us.  She stared and stared silently while she watched them getting "Sophia" all ready for her picture.  The smile "Sadie" always had was gone.  I wondered if she was thinking about when she went for her own visa picture just a few months earlier.  If she was thinking of the family that had come to meet her.  It was time to leave for the picture and "Sophia" looked lovely.  All smiles of course.  She sat between my husband and I holding both of our hands and yes...smiling, smiling, smiling.  During the pictures they kept telling her not to smile and she didn't seem to know how not to.  The director was absolutely right...."Sophia" is joyful!  When we got back, they changed her into different clothes.  They explained her catheter to me.  As we were getting ready to go outside "Sadie" asks "will Sophia be the only one outside with Mama and Papa today".  I walked over and kissed her face, spoke for the translator to tell her.  "No, you will come too."  And there was her smile again.  When it was time to say our last good byes, "Sophia" hugged us and smiled.  "Sadie" was struggling to try and smile... you could see it.  Her little chest started to heave and you could tell she was holding back tears.  The nannies said that the night before our last visits the girls laid in their cribs talking again.  "Sadie" told "Sophia" she would miss her but was happy for her.  They said "Sophia" told "Sadie", "my family will find you a family"....and with that promise between them, they both fell asleep.  We wore so many emotions during our time there.  Anxiousness then joy.  More joy and then sadness to leave "Sophia" and "Sadie".  Even our translator cried as we left.

Then we started the long bus ride back.  We were so excited even through the sadness of leaving the girls, to be meeting our next daughter in just one more day.  We sat there in a room, waiting for "Mary Ellen" to be brought in.  Finally the door opened.  She was being held awkwardly and she was making a high pitched sound.  They put her in my arms.  She was finally after eight months in my arms.  Everyone kept meeting, and I spoke to her and cried that she was finally with us.  It wasn't long and I began to wonder if she could hear me.... or see me.  When the meeting was done, I told the translator I didn't think "Mary Ellen" could see or hear.  We had brought little bells for her to play with... our translator rang them by her but she did not react.  They brought food for us to feed her... she could not see the spoon.  "Mary Ellen" screamed and screamed .... she wanted in her crib.  She did not tolerate being touched.  Only moments into the visit the psychologist was saying we would only be able to visit 20 minutes a day because it was too upsetting to "Mary Ellen".  Our translator went to speak to the director and it was approved that we would be able to visit as planed twice a day a couple hours in the morning and three hours in the afternoon.  However, we had to agree to leave if "Mary Ellen" became too upset.  I am not sure what I wore on my face most of those days.  If it was nice we could go outside and only then if she was in the stroller and not moved she might not cry.  The doctor at the orphanage refused to consider that "Mary Ellen" could not see or hear and said it was a matter of opinion to the translator.  The psychologist had insisted she could until one visit she sat with us and tried and tried to have her react to anything visually or to any sound.  She then explained that "Mary Ellen" had been doing so well and even trying to talk last fall.  Then her shunt failed and she no longer was responding.  My heart hurt, I couldn't even take it all in.  Our foundation called us in for a meeting one afternoon to discuss how hard the visits were on "Mary Ellen".  Our translator had been taking video and pictures.  They were very concerned.  First, they had met "Mary Ellen" before her shunt had failed and didn't know her needs had changed.  They were grieving what they saw.  During the meeting we discussed our homestudy and the concern that it may not be approved for "Mary Ellen's" new needs.  They stated that children with this level of medical needs do get adopted (another child from Mary Ellen's orphanage in a similar state of health is being adopted), but they said it is best when the family knows the needs and are prepared to care for them prior to meeting the child.  We asked to continue visits.  We were allowed.  We showered "Mary Ellen" with love every moment.  We couldn't think through much at that time, we couldn't comprehend what had happened or what it could mean, we just loved.  The last day "Mary Ellen" was more agitated then usual.  She screamed and screamed and wouldn't stop even if she was laying down.  They finally said we had to go.  That afternoon our translator called to say the foundation felt it was best that we do not go to the last visit.  I asked would they please reconsider.... she put me on hold and then came back to say okay.  We had visa pictures the day before... and here we were asking to please keep our visit.  when we arrived she was calmer than she had been any of the days.  The translator thought that "Mary Ellen" may have been given something to help calm her.  We were so grateful for that time.  "Mary Ellen" would be sent for an evaluation outside of the orphanage.  We would need to wait for the appointment that was the day we would leave the country, and then wait for it to be translated.  So many different emotions, so much to process, and so many different ways it could turn out.  And that is what was there on my face... something numb, something blank...something or maybe nothing.  I'm not sure.  I didn't want to leave her.  I covered her face with kisses as they reached to take her.  She is beautiful.  I just want to hold her once more. 

We had two more days in her region before we could travel to meet our son.  Knowing she was just two stops away on the subway but we couldn't see her... or would we ever see her, those were very long days.

Then the day came and we were on the bus to go meet our son.  The trip wasn't as long as when we traveled to meet "Sophia".  It was the evening before we would meet "Alonzo" and our translator didn't know where the orphanage was located.  It was a wonderful surprise to find out that "Alonzo" had been transferred to a small group home and it was only blocks from our hotel.  We had passed it as we walked to the hotel!  The next day I wasn't sure what to feel.  Everything we experienced already....what would this be like?  As we approached the gate many boys are coming... and there he is!  He is shouting something.  Our translator smiles, "he's saying are they mine, are they mine, are they mine "!  Our son, um yeah we got to see him through some pretty good tantrums.  They said he is the baby there so maybe this is how he got his way?  We took out the art set we brought him and the woman that all the children were calling for sat and told him to paint with us.  He was so upset... he started mumbling.  Then she asked him to write his name....  he cleared the table and cried, "why are you making me do school?"  I smiled as the translator told me that is what he said.... then later at the hotel I looked at my husband and said, "I'm going to be the one teaching him...and he doesn't like school or writing his name or painting"!  One of the evenings we were walking down the street (you can only visit during the times they allow for us again it was two hours in the morning and almost three in the afternoon), "Alonzo" spotted us.  He called to us.  One of the nannies came out (she spoke Spanish) and said that he wanted us to know he helped her make pizza for dinner.  And the next thing we know he squeezed through the gates and started running to us.... the nannies all started running and flipping through their keys to open the gate!  He has a certain look he gives when he is about to do something mischievous.

There were so many amazing boys there.  A boy missing parts of his feet and hands that loved to show us his dance moves, play soccer with my husband, and had the most beautiful handwriting.  This boy was so compassionate.  He would keep taking our son aside and tell him to visit with us, that we came so far just to meet him.  He has a family adopting him, they already met.  He is going to be a wonderful son!!

  Another boy that wants a family so much!  Gentle and kind!  He pushes the children in their wheel chairs and loves to cook the meals.  He was very sad when all the boys would bring out their photo albums of families.  He told the translator it isn't fair that "Alonzo" wouldn't sit with us and visit when he wants a family so much.  We gave him the photo album we took for "Mary Ellen" since she couldn't keep it.  He said it was fine that it was pink because what mattered most was what was on the inside.  He is wonderful!

One afternoon I tried to tell my son a story about a farmer.  You tell the story on a child's back.  He didn't wait for the end and got up.  The two boys I just mentioned had been sitting there and listening.  They looked worried and said something to the translator.  She said, "they wanted to know what happens to the farmer".  I asked her if they just want to hear the story or if they wanted to have me tell them on their backs.... they both jumped up and came over for me to do the story.  Those boys so blessed us!

And another special blessing there who has a family that is adopting him also blessed us.  He would give us kisses and kisses and tell us to give them to his mother.  He has very poor eye-sight, but his smile is incredible and he has so much affection he doesn't know what to do with it all. 

Every child we met there was amazing, resilient, an overcomer, funny, special.  We must have had so much on our faces....  laughter and awe I am sure in the midst of so many amazing children.

When it was time to leave and start the journey home again, it was right after 4am when our cab came.  I looked down the street that was usually full of people.  I cried the entire way to the airport.  It was beautiful to be going home to our children, but we were leaving children we loved behind until we could come back.  And we still didn't know what would happen with Mary Ellen.

We were finally home.  The families that traveled at the same time were posting so many wonderful updates.  I was for the most part silent.  I started to receive strong emails about "Mary Ellen" and how we had to bring her home.  Messages that asked if were we saying God was wrong.  We were making phone calls, writing emails trying to find out if it was even possible for our homestudy to be approved for these new needs.  Our agency wanted us to have a complete understanding that this wasn't a matter of more delays for "Mary Ellen" but that she would require a completely different level of medical care.  Our pediatrician said she could no longer giver her approval since she does not feel that the specialist that may be required would be available in our area.  She felt that "Mary Ellen's" needs would require most of our attention and that it would be very hard for us to meet the needs of "Sophia" and "Alonzo" as well as our other children.  Our home study worker did not feel comfortable making the change to our homestudy.  She reminded us that we were honest during the meetings which needs we did not feel prepared to care for.  "Mary Ellen" had three of those needs.  She knew that we considered carefully our answers during our meetings with her and she felt it would not be in "Mary Ellen's" best interest or our families for her to disregard the information from our meetings.  We waited for the medical report and thought maybe it would show something else, that maybe somehow we were completely wrong and there would be no conflict with our homestudy.  The emails continued to come with strong opinions from other mothers... but also emails from families that understood how hard this was.  I would sit on the little bed we had ready for her, hold her things we took to give her that she couldn't keep because she could not play with them.  I would cry or just sit and stare and beg to hear God tell me what we were suppose to do, what was the next step, why was everything changing.

It was almost two weeks later and the medical report for "Mary Ellen" arrives via email.  It is suspected that with her last shunt failure she experience brain damage.  As a result of the brain damage, "Mary Ellen"  is blind and deaf.  I make phone calls again with the final information.  One particular woman feels I didn't do enough.  Doors were closing, I spent evenings looking at her pictures, watching her video.  I didn't know what to think or feel.  I was numb, there aren't even words really.  I wore that hurt.  I listened to the emails that said how horrible it was and questioned what kind of person I am.  I did not have peace.  There were a few families that had similar experiences that really encouraged me.  But the grief spoke loader. 

One day a friend prayed with me.  She prayed I would have peace by the end of the day.  It had been weeks, I didn't believe there was any way peace would come... atleast not in a day.  We were visiting her church that morning when she prayed.  The pastor shared that the same evening they would be having a prayer meeting and the discussion would be on adoption.  I met a woman that was in the midst of a very emotional part of her adoption.  We prayed together and it really encouraged me, there is only ONE who has the final say and He hadn't changed. 

That evening we went to the prayer meeting.  It was over, I was waiting for this peace to come that my friend prayed for me.  It felt like we would be leaving with the same amount of uncertainty.  The pastor came over and spoke with us.  He asked if we felt God called us to adopt... yes we believe He has.  He shared that he counsels.  He went on to say that he feels God has called him to be a counselor.  The pastor said that while he knows God called him to be a counselor, he does not feel that He is called to counsel every type of need.  That made sense to me.  My degree is in counseling and I remember or final semester we had to honestly access which needs we do not feel like we could counsel.  For instance a person that harmed a child or a person that had cheated on a spouse.  So I understood what he meant.  He said in the same way, God called us to adoption but that doesn't mean that we can care for every type of medical need.  He asked if we prayed about the needs we checked off before our homestudy...  we did.  It was hard to even mark off one need we didn't feel we could care for but through our time hosting children with different needs and advocating for their needs, we were very familiar with what we had been able to do and what was very difficult to do with all things considered.  The last thing he had said was if he had insisted on counseling someone whose needs he knew he could not meet, he would be making it about him and not the other person.  That decision would actually hurt the person that had the need.  In the same way, we knew "Mary Ellen's" new needs were greater than we had the resources to care for.  I don't know that we could have fought any harder but if we had would that have been best to get a different decision and not be able to meet her needs?  I know her greatest need is a family, there is no question.  But that doesn't take away the fact that she has very real medical needs that require what they require.  This was the first thing that made sense to me since we had traveled.  Nothing had made sense, the grief was consuming.  And some days the grief can still speak so loudly.  That night was the first night I could truly find rest again.

I can't change what some people have decided to think we should or should not have done.  I can't cause them to feel we did enough or tried our best.  What is important to me is what I have on my face.  The seven realities of that book have not changed just because the circumstances have changed.

#1 God is absolutely still at work in every detail around me!  Even when I was struggling to hear why... the truth remained, He was still working.  I can wear peace because of that!

#2 God is still pursuing a love relationship with me.  It is because of that great love for "Mary Ellen" and for our family that He is not done!  I can wear joy because He loves us even when other's feel so strongly His love abounds!

#3 God did invite us to join Him in His work.  We loved on so many children while we were there.  "Mary Ellen's" medical information will be corrected and a family able to meet her needs will be able to read that information and know it!  What happened did not take away the good that also was done.  We held that child, we spoke love to her.  I do not wear defeat!  We did the work He had for us to do.  And giving that love did not feel like work at all.

#4 God speaks!  He does!  That didn't change.  We knew He asked us to go.  We assumed that meant that all three would be our children.  We were willing to go, to obey.  It doesn't have to make sense to anyone else, they don't have to understand.  When He speaks to each of us, it is what He is communicating with us alone... it isn't for another to understand who didn't hear our personal conversations with Him.  That is okay!  I can wear assurance because we heard from Him.

#5 God's invitation leads to crisis of belief.  We stood so many times questioning how this could be all along the journey.  I can wear hope on my face because we accepted the invitation for what it was given and He works through the details.  We never held on to what was easy for what we would do.  We walked through some really difficult things but we didn't walk alone!

#6 Joining God requires major adjustment.  Yes!!  It just does.  Thankfully He has the tools to make those adjustments happen.  I can wear trust because of these adjustments and the circumstances He allowed to bring them about.  

#7 You experience God as you obey Him.  I love that so much, I am grateful for that.  Because of that I am willing to do what He asks because I don't want to miss the opportunity of experiencing God in such a personal and profound way.  Not just reading about Him, but experiencing Him.  For this reason I will always desire to wear obedience whatever it looks like, however messy it looks, and even when it looks like something else to anyone watching.

That is where I am with everything right now.  I look at the picture of my son at the beginning of this post and I see something beautiful in that little mess he wore.  And when I look in the mirror now, I have wiped off everything that everyone else told me they saw and I see beauty too.  Nothing that has happened made the details that God has in each part of  this less beautiful....  I'm going to wear this whatever it looks like because He is beautiful, He is wonderful, and He is glorious forever and in all things!! 

   

 

Can I if I wear underwear?

I often find myself wondering if some of the things that are said in our home are ever said in any other home anywhere.

Just the other day I was having my eight year old pick up some laundry left on the bathroom floor by his younger siblings.  He says very seriously almost in protest, "I will carry their clothes but I am not carrying their underwear".  I replied, "You will carry the underwear.  Actually, I just picked up some of your underwear yesterday when I was helping with your room."  "YEAH!", he answered.  "You're a mom!"

And then there was this one, during the school year on a particular day that everyone seemed a little off. Surprisingly my usually more agreeable child was not focusing on his work and was distracting everyone else. I called him to the side, looked at him and said "You should desire to be obedient.  You should want to listen to your mother".  Looking at me seriously and with no hesitation he said, "The only thing I desire is to be a man with mad abs".  Really I just stared at him for a moment taking in what he just said and then told him to go back to his seat.  I had no words.  

And just yesterday this was how a conversation went with one of my children.  In a box of clothes that were passed on to the kids there was a wrestling uniform.  You know the stretchy one piece things?  My eight year old wants to wear it everyday since he found it among the clothes.  So he was asking to go outside in the uniform.  I had told him not right now.  And he says, "Can I if I wear underwear"?

Those moments are precious to me.  Moments when God is reminding me how much He loves me, that He would send these blessings to cause me to smile.  Then I am reminded that He loves me even more that He allows lessons to come out of those moments.  When my son sounded so matter of fact that of course I would be picking up underwear because I am a mother, he said it just as if it is listed somewhere as a requirement.  It made me think about what other things they think I do simply because I am their mother. Then I thought about what our description as Christians looks like.  I remember hearing that children that are orphans who haven't lost hope yet have said they know a Christian will come for them.  That they heard that Christians have a God who told them to care for orphans.  And since their God said it, they will obey and come.  That wrecks me every time I think of how long children wait with that hope.  Some wait for a lifetime. 

In K.P. Yohannan's book Destined to Soar, he tells this parable about an eagle.  "A tiny eaglet fell out of his nest in a tall tree near a farm, and landed in a chicken coop.  He found himself surrounded by little chicks and thought they were his siblings.  He grew up like them, learning to scratch for insects and peck at the seeds the farmer scattered in the barnyard.  

The young eagles's wings and feathers began to grow, but he never perceived himself to be anything more than a member of his chicken family.  One day an older eagle, soaring in the sky, spotted him in the barnyard.  The eagle swooped down and had a face-to-face talk with the young eagle.  'You are not a chicken,' he said, 'You are an eagle.  You are not suppose to hop around on the ground looking for bugs.This is not your life.  You are meant to fly in the heavens and ride the wind.'  

These words opened the little eagle's eyes to who he really was and gave him the desire to join his new friend above the clouds.  He spread his wings and, after a few attempts to lift off, flew to the nearest tree. With each try he flew farther and higher; before long, he mounted up with the wind and disappeared into the vastness and freedom of the sky.  This story illustrates how we as believers are meant to live up to our God-given potential.  It also teaches us that the foundation for our behavior and success comes from our understanding of who we are in Christ."

That is exactly what that moment with my son showed me!  We need to know who we are in Christ and what we were made for.  Otherwise, we will be thinking we are "chickens" when we are really meant to soar.  We are meant to be that tangible love to those that never knew it, to be his Hand's and Feet that His love will be known because we shared it.  We were meant for so much more.  So why do we let ourselves believe we can't do what we were made for?  

That day we were doing school and one of my sons replied that his only desire was to be a man with mad abs that caused me to think about what my desire is.  Right now I want to bring my children that are waiting as orphans home.  I desire that more hearts would be moved to help that happen.  That the value of their lives would be known and that would cause hearts to be stirred without me feeling like I am begging and trying to do fundraiser after fundraiser.  

Do we truly desire to be the eagle, to face that huge impossible thing in front of us that can only be done if God shows up?   Or have we settled to be content with only doing what makes sense and what we can accomplish on our own?  In Kisses from Katie she talks about what her desires for her life look like and how they have changed.  At 19 she left a very comfortable life and moved to Uganda where she adopted fourteen children.  "This is not the life that I dreamed up on my own or even knew I desired.  I am watching God work, and as I 'delight myself in the Lord' by doing what He asks of me and by saying yes to the needs He places in front of me, He is changing the desires of my heart and aligning them wit the desires of His.  As I go with Him to the hard places, He changes them into the most joyful places I could imagine.'  She described it so well.... as we say yes to what he places before us He changes the desires of our hearts to align with His.  

I remember taking a class one summer in college.  The professor asked, "What are your goals in this class?"  "Raise your hand if you hope to meet new people while you are here."  A lot of hands went up.  And then he asked, "How many of you sat with someone you don't know?"  Not many hands went up.  He explained, "There is often a conflict in human behavior between our goals and our actions.  If we want to make new friends, we would sit with new people and make new friends.  But our conflicting behavior will have us do what we know and what we feel comfortable with even though it is contrary to our goal."  

That's us, or atleast I know that is me.  We want to eat healthy, but we bring sweet things in the house.  We want to try something new, but don't want to change our routine.  We say we are prolife, that our hearts break for what breaks His, but we watch families trying to bring children out of their orphanages and say if it is God's will He will provide.  True enough He provides but what if He meant for us, the body, to be used to provide, to give up something that was in our "chicken mentality" so that we can soar because we know who we are?

So how does my son asking "Can I if I wear underwear" turn into a lesson from God for me?  Here we go, another quote out of Kisses from Katie.  She is writing about all the questions and what ifs that children often ask.  "Mommy where does the sun go when I am sleeping?  Mommy are all ladybugs girls?  Mommy where do I go when I die?  Do fish go there too?....Mommy, Mommy, Mommy"  They were on their way to the Nile River for some of her children to be baptized.  One of the children asked "Mommy, if Jesus comes to live inside my heart, will I explode?"  She quickly answered "NO!"  Then after thinking about it, she answered, "Yes, if Jesus comes to live in your heart, you will explode."  She goes on, "That is exactly what we should do if Jesus comes to live inside our hearts.  We will explode with love, with compassion, with hurt for those who are hurting, and with joy for those who rejoice.  We will explode with a desire to be more, to be better, to be close to the One who made us." 

Darcie Gill who was with Voice of the Martyrs had spoke at our church a couple months ago.  She had made an observation that as Christians in America we will often ask ourselves, what will happen if I do what God is asking me to do.  What will my life look like, what will it do to my family, what will it do to my relationships?  While Christians in other parts of the world often ask, what will happen if I don't do what God is asking me to do.  What will my life look like, what will it do to my family what will it do to my relationships.  When God spoke these three children to us my first response was the what if I do?  But God kept bringing me back to what if I don't.  I would be choosing to miss out on a blessing.  Choosing what is comfortable when I say my desire is to be close to Him but not willing to walk where all I have would be Him.  I couldn't reconcile with the what if I do... I felt every part of my heart scream "what if I don't".  

Our Pastor shared this week about a ministry in India that rescues young girls from trafficking.  If the rescue goes wrong the men are often beat by the people that are trafficking the girls.  When one of the men were asked about the beatings and why he would put himself in a position where that could happen, he replied that those girls are beat over and over and over again everyday and sold to men that will also beat them.  He said if he can take just one beating for one of those girls they are worth it.  Could we do that?  Could we believe that these children are worth it?  Would you believe that these three children that we are bringing home are worth it?  It wouldn't cost anything as severe as a beating but maybe go without something extra?  A coffee one day or eating out, or fill in the blank with anything, are they worth it?

Have you heard of Stella's Voice?   "Before opening Stella's House, for many years Philip Cameron raised funds to aid and rebuild government-run orphanages in Moldova.  He specifically began raising funds to help a very poorly maintained handicapped orphanage in Hincesti, Moldova where he met a young girl named Stella.  Stella suffered from epilepsy and was paralyzed on the right=hand side of her body.  After visiting the orphanage several times, he became friends with Stella and she later called herself Philip's assistant".  Later, Philip returned to the orphanage to discover she was no longer there.  When she turned 16 she was too old to stay and was forced to leave the orphanage.  After searching, Philip learned that Stella was abused and died of AIDS from being sold into human trafficking.  This motivated him to build homes called Stella's Houses for young orphan girls to be protected from sex trafficking predators."

STELLA

I am not sure of all the what ifs..... what if the desires we have for our lives conflict with what we were made to do?  What if the children we are bringing home were left behind what would happen to them?  If hearts don't move enough for more people to walk with us to get them here what happens?  If friends, family, and total strangers keep turning away who will believe they are worth a sacrifice of being comfortable?  If we don't understand who we are in Him and that we are to be His love at what cost does our lack of understanding come.  Is it life?  Is it death?  If our girls were sold like Stella would they meet the same fate?  What if and can I IF???  My son asked "Can I (wear the wrestling outfit outside) if I wear underwear"..... and I am asking you - will you, can you help us bring our children home if you know you were made to love, if you know the cost of not doing what you can could cost them everything.  If you understood how much greater the what if I don't is than the what if I do.  Would you?    

We received our verbal referral last week.  In two weeks we will have travel dates for July.  There is still a great need financially.  If you would consider being a part of "Alonzo's", "Sophia's", and "Mary Ellen's" story, you can donate via paypal - praishm@hotmail.com or through our Reeces Rainbow link, http://reecesrainbow.org/73524/sponsorvargas 

If you are in our near PA, and have any gently used shoes you can part with, we will be continuing to collect shoes into the middle of August. 

  

  

More than a song

It was almost two weeks ago that I saw things so clearly through swollen eyes that were blurred with tears.


I had hoped to write about what happened sooner, but the first two days I had felt so emotionally drained.  Then life went on as it does and days passed with homeschooling, filling out grant applications for our adoption, and loving little ones.

I really need to go back a bit and then I will be able to explain how blurry eyes can manage to see at all, let alone cause me to see clearly.

Last week our time at the Orphan Summit was so incredibly blessed.  I have enjoyed many many times worshiping God through music, however something happened months ago when God spoke these children to our family.  It is hard to explain, the words that are being sung now in praise reach even deeper into my heart ... At the Summit, I rejoiced so much in having the opportunity to sing praises in other languages and hear testimony after testimony from individuals that had been orphans and are speaking not from facts they found listed somewhere.  They are speaking from their own hearts that spent nights crying out as orphans for someone to find them.  One young man said very clearly that orphanages are dark, dangerous places... not a place for a child at all let alone a child without anyone to care for them or protect them.  How can we argue with that?  Having never had to wonder why I wasn't loved by just one person, never having to just survive everyday.... if a young man now on the other side of experiencing that his entire life stands there telling us how dark and dangerous it is...how do we not move at the description alone???? 

A few weeks ago we were blessed to attend a conference and listen to George Dennehy speak.  As he sang the song How He Loves Us... the phrase "my heart turns violently inside my chest" stood out to me.  There are times as adults we fill up seats and lift our arms up to our Savior, we sing praises to Him and maybe we feel something as we listen to a sermon.  But I have heard about Christians in other countries gathering secretly just to pray together, walking sometimes for days.... I have read about tears that form puddles where they knelt to pray.  That is the heart I think that song references.... the heart that turns violently inside a chest.  Not the heart that hears and isn't moved enough to act, the heart that hears about children in dark and dangerous places and quickly forgets and thinks instead about how badly it would like a coffee or a nap, and not the heart that watches and changes the subject as families turn to everyone around them and asks for anyone to walk with them and help bring their children out of those places but the heart that is turning violently inside our chest.

This past New Year's Eve at a benefit concert for our adoption, there stood a young girl maybe nine or ten years old .  She was looking at the pictures of the children we are adopting and pictures of other children that are waiting in orphanages.  She saw the difference in a photo of a child's hungry little belly when first adopted and then just three months later having been fed and loved the way children are created to be loved... the photo of adoptive parents meeting their new child for the first time with so many children all around them that wanted to know a parent's love too, and a picture of a dad zippering the coat of his new daughter as three children that were being left behind as orphans sit on a coach and just watch refraining from any emotion though their hearts must have been screaming out not to be left behind.  That little girl kept asking me questions about the children in the pictures.  She bent down to look into the eyes of the children in each picture.  Her hand stayed in her pocket as she talked with me.  She asked about each and every child in each picture.  And when she had finished talking, she reached into her pocket and gave me a handful of nickels, dimes, some pennies and maybe a quarter.  "This is all I have, will you use it to bring your kids home?"...there aren't words that could describe the beauty in that moment.  She just emptied out her pockets because she looked into their eyes and knew what she saw was not okay.  And she didn't just empty her pockets, in that moment she emptied herself of herself.  Whatever she could have wanted to do with that money, whatever she could have bought...she laid it down for God to do more with it!  In that moment she gave it all with an understanding that whatever she could have spent her money on could not amount in any way to the need these children have to be loved and to have a family.  Something in their eyes (Jesus) caused her heart to turn violently and it caused her not only to give but to give all she had in that moment.

At our last bake sale, a young girl stood holding a container asking for donations.  On the container was a picture of a young man in Ukraine that her family has hosted and is trying to adopt.  People were passing by her and she would ask them to help bring him home.  One woman stopped and asked her what the donations would be used for.  The woman read about the adoption, read about this young man, she looked into the eyes of this young girl that already considers this boy her brother.  After she read about this boy that has spent 15 years as an orphan, she let out a big breath and starts laughing... then says no and walks away.  The young girl goes through a quick range of emotions... she feels humiliated by this woman reaction, she feels anger that someone could look at a child that is orphaned and not only did she not care but actually laugh, she feels defeated and doesn't want to ask for anymore donations.  She sat the container down for just a few moments.  As she processed everything that had happened she stands back up..."I was an orphan and you didn't give up on me", she says turning to her mother.  She picked the container back up with a new resolve.  "I am going to ask everyone that comes through that door until we have enough."  She would have had every right to feel hurt enough to give up...BUT her heart turned violently inside her chest and decided she could not give up because the cost of these children living abandoned is too great.

And the morning of the bake sale, hours before I would even arrive I seen it all through blurry eyes.  I seen beyond what my eyes could see!  The night before I was up baking for the fundraiser.  At some point in the middle of the night I could not find the peanut butter.  One of my daughters was still awake and I asked if she had seen it.  "Yeah, it is in Adante's bed."  "What?", I asked.  "Why would it be in his bed?"  She as casually as if we were just chit chatting said, "He has lots of food up there, he is planning on going on a trip to spend time with God."  I am thinking it was almost two in the morning, it sounded like some odd thing that the boys would come up with and I thought he probably had it up there snacking out of it.  "Go get it all and bring it down", I told her.  There were 6-8 cans of vegetables, 8-10 bottled waters, the peanut butter, cheesies.  The kids were sleeping out in the playroom for the night, I thought I would talk to him about it in the morning when he woke up.  I finished getting ready for the bake sale around 5am went to bed and got back up at 7am to get everything ready to go.  My sister in law just dropped off her baby for us to watch.  I turned to where the kids were sleeping and saw a piece of paper.  I ran to it....  "Dear Family"  it read "If you are reading this I am already gone"....  I don't know what happened, I screamed I think... I started running to my husband with the paper in my hand shouting "He's gone...He's gone".  My husband is telling me to calm down, he grabs the paper and reads the rest of the note.  "It's okay", he says.  "He says right in the letter he didn't run away he just wanted to spend time with God.  He couldn't be far."  "I don't care what it says", I am pretty sure I was still screaming "he is gone".  I ran into the yard and down to the shed looking to see if he had gone there.  I ran back inside, the children each start explaining that they all knew about this "trip he was taking to spend time with Jesus"...they didn't think anything was wrong since it was time with Jesus and he had apparently said he would only be gone for one night.  We told Celita to watch the kids and we left. 

Where do we even start!?!  We got in the van and my husband looks at me and asks, "What has been going on while I am at work?"  "Nothing, nothing, I don't know, everything has been fine", I am answering through uncontrolled sobbing and tears.  I am trying to make sense of it all in my mind.  We drove to an apple tree that we take walks to as a family.  "How do all our kids think it is okay to go away as long as it is to spend time with God and they don't tell us about it?".."I don't know", I answer through tears.  We drive down a dirt road that the kids like to take walks on.  I am remembering that a week prior he was asking me questions about no trespassing signs and the trees along that road are covered in them.  It seemed like we would never get to the end of that road.  Next we went to the park where he has Boy Scouts meetings.  It was almost time for his Saturday meeting, but he wouldn't be there.  I am his mother and I didn't know where he was, only where he wasn't.  I took off one direction through the woods running and Adam took off another.  I ran and ran.  I could barely see and could feel the trees scratching me as I ran through the woods.  I remember stopping at one point... there was just no way of covering all the forest.  I wanted God to just give me one glimpse..just one where he would take the trees away and let me see what He could see....everything that was beyond what I could see.  I wanted to sit down and cry.  The pain that he could be gone wasn't something that I wanted to know at all.  I made my way back to the park, we had drove for almost an hour, ran through the woods for another hour....  we ran into one of the scout leaders and Adam explained briefly what had happened and asked that he call us if he saw him.  His reply??  "Is something going on at home?"  What??  NO!  This is my agreeable one, this is the son that helps easily, that laughs and jokes. NO, NO, NO I want to scream, there is nothing going on!!  I just want my son home!  We head back to the house because Celita had said the baby was crying.  The kids keep repeating that it is okay..."It's okay, we told you, he just wanted to spend time with Jesus...he said he would only be gone one day."  I am trying to explain that it is never okay to leave without permission.  Adam leaves again, Celita takes her dog and goes to look too.  I post asking for prayer.  Maybe another 30 minutes passed.  It is approaching three hours since I first picked up the note he left....  I know we will have to call the police soon to help find him.  The interstate is nearby and I pray he didn't go near there...if someone would have taken him how would we ever find him?  The phone rings... it's Adam.  Celita found her brother!  When he gets home he walks up to his room and wants to be alone.  I gave him the space... I still needed time to process everything that had occurred.  Eventually he came downstairs... he walks over to me and we both have red swollen eyes from crying.  "I'm sorry", he said.  "I really thought that when I came home in the morning and told you all about the time I spent with the Lord and the things He said to me you would be so happy to hear about it.  I didn't think about any of the other things."  We hugged each other and held on tight for a little while.  I don't know what I should have been feeling but I started thinking as I stood there.... my son, he just wanted to spend time alone with Jesus.  He knows you can talk to Him, you can hear Him!!  He knows how precious that is and wanted to be alone with Him!!  I cannot grieve that, I cannot be upset with that.  It is what I pray for my children!  For them to experience Jesus in their own relationship with Him, for them to seek Him, and to walk with Him.  My son's heart had turned so violently in his chest to go off and spend time alone with Jesus that at 12 1/2 he had been saving food in his bed to set off on a journey with God!  (A friend at church reminded me of Jesus doing the same when he was 12 and staying behind at the temple.  I can only imagine Mary running in search of Jesus... maybe it looked a lot like me running through the forest that morning.)

I still went to the bake sale hours later than I had planned.  I was still numb from all that had happened but I know the other numbness I feel everyday for my children that are waiting in an orphanage for us to come.  My son is home now he is safe, but I have another son and three daughters that I can't hold yet - I have no idea if they are safe.  That night as I prayed still trying to make sense of everything...I saw that young girl that gave all her change, I pictured the other young girl that was asking for donations at the bake sale, and I saw my son who had just that morning gone off on a journey with Jesus.  And this is what I know for sure.....

IT HAS GOT TO BE more than a song, more than lifting our hands in praise and taking our seats when we are done.  We have got to be moved like those children, to empty our pockets .... because people matter - children without families matter.  We have got to remember like the children to stand back up, even when we are laughed at or mocked to have a greater resolve even in the midst being misunderstood that these things are important to God and should be important to us.  These aren't causes - families are crying out for help to get their children home and we can't look away and let them abandoned to places that are not meant for any human being let alone children that are meant to be loved and protected.  And we need to want Jesus more, want what He wants so much so that we are desiring to spend time with Him listening to what He is asking and doing it.  Not just a song but our hearts being moved violently inside our chests.

That is what I learned on what seemed like the worst day of my life.  That it has to be more than a song...and I learned it from children.  There is so much more for God to teach me through my children... he uses them everyday.   I look forward to the lessons that are still to come through the children we are waiting to bring home also.
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From Kisses from Katie pg 84 "I didn't believe it was possible to tell a child about the love of Christ without simultaneously showing her that love by feeding her, clothing her, inviting her in.  If a child has never known what love is, how can we expect him to accept the love of his Savior until we first make that love tangible?"  

pg 91 "The truth is that the 143 million orphaned children and the 11 million who starve to death or die from preventable diseases and the 8.5 million who work as child slaves, prostitutes, or under other horrific conditions and the 2.3 million who live with HIV add up to 164.8 million needy children.  And though at first glance that looks like a big number, 2.1 billion people on this earth proclaim to be Christians.
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Did you catch that math in the last quote?  164.8 million needy children versus 2.1 billion proclaiming Christians!

Seriously, there is no other way, we need to take our hands down and use them....that will be the most beautiful song we ever offer up.

This is where we are at right now.


I have three children waiting across the ocean in orphanages having never experienced the love of a family.  We have a fee of $10,000 due with our dossier in just weeks.  We currently need $4,000 to have that total available for that fee.  I don't know each of the 2.1 billion proclaiming Christians personally.... but if you are reading this, chances are I know you and you are part of that 2.1 billion.  And if I don't know you, then maybe I know you in the sense that we are serving God as sisters or brothers in Christ and you are part of that 2.1 billion as well.  I need you to come alongside our family to bring our children home.  They need you to be a tangible love that will cause God's love to be real to them!

There are many ways to be that love right now!  Our fsp donations with RR cannot be released for dossier fees, so we need to raise the last $4,000 separate from our fsp link above.  You can donate via our paypal praishm@hotmail.com or through our agency with a note that your donation is for our family's adoption.  You can walk with us is by donating towards our dossier fee.  We have a $2300 matching grant (I jumped ahead and included the $2300 in the total we are counting as raised for the $10,000).  Each dollar you donate now through 5/22/14 will be matched up to $2300!!  That would only leave $1700 needed for our dossier fee!!

Another really easy way to give is by donating your gently used shoes to our shoe drive that will raise $5000 when we have collected 300 more 25lb bags of gently used shoes.  You could hold a shoe drive for us at your church or by asking family and friends for shoes.  We currently have a hoagie sale going on.  And at the end of the month we will have a Mother and Daughter Tea.  You could also hold a fundraiser of your choice to help bring "Alonzo", "Sophia", and "Mary Ellen" home.  And you can pray, God does so much through your prayers!   

So where was my son when he was found?  Just a little ways from that apple tree we first went to.  He didn't hear us as he was sleeping with all his boyscout gear under a tree... just resting with Jesus!  When I told him people would have thought he ran away he protested, "NO WAY, I love my life".  Then I explained that some people would have quickly thought that the adoption was too much for him, and even more adamant he says, "NO!  This adoption is the best thing that has ever happened to me!  I would bring my brother and sisters home sooner if I could.  I just like spending time with Jesus"!  I praise God for the heart He knit within my son.  And for a house full of children that sit with me and spend time drawing near to Him.  We recently read the Strength of Mercy together and are reading Kisses from Katie now.  Both books tell the stories of young people listening to God in radical obedience.  This may have something to do with the fact that all our children found it completely reasonable to go on an adventure with God unannounced!    Keep drawing near to them Lord I thank you for each one of them!

Knowing even Your whisper, because You speak to my heart...

     This post has taken awhile to finish...between trying to gather a monumental amount of shoes for our shoe drive, adoption auctions, the stomach flu sweeping through six children (not all at once, but every few days another child calling me as they tried to make it to the bathroom in the middle of the night sick), paperwork, homeschool, and life.  So, it may be a little choppy or maybe a lot.  I have lost some of the things I really had hoped to share.  This however is what was at the heart of what I wanted to share, knowing His voice.  Knowing it is Him, whether anyone can understand or not, it matters - it makes a difference - and it changes things!

  I had so many mixed emotions about starting a blog.  Aside from wondering when I would write any post with having six children, homeschooling, and fundraising to bring our son and daughters home (notice all posts are written and posted early in the morning hours), I felt a conflict about giving a window to only a glimpse of what was occurring in our lives.  After all, with a glimpse through a window you can only see what is right there in front of you and maybe a little bit more if you press your face against the window and truly strain to see. I wondered who would actually strain to see more?  With just a glimpse through the window you might see a big family (to some), a family that seems busy enough or full enough already, a family that should be content enough and not add more.  (All things we have heard already.)  Honestly, that isn't even a window view, that is the view standing outside a frosted window in the cold.  There is actually so much more beauty here, beauty you not only see but feel when you actually step inside.

     Originally I sat this blog to private. It wasn't what I really wanted to do in those couple days before I changed the setting, it however feel like the safe thing to do in regards to being judged.  Anyone that asked to join the blog if it was set to private would at the very least have to know me and know that I love Jesus if they knew me at all.  It felt a little more assuring that they would then be able to factor that love into why we were doing what we are doing.  If it happened to be someone that knew me well, they would also know that my desire is to deny Him nothing, even if I don't understand exactly what He is asking of me.  The idea of total strangers reading as I share how I know that it was God speaking these children to us, that felt more than uncomfortable.  Part of it was not knowing should I say "and then God said" or "I felt as God was saying"... there were just no words that felt adequate to explain in a way that it would give more than that window glimpse.  I wanted the words that would pull the window out of the frame so you could just climb in and see what He was doing so I didn't feel like I had to prove I heard what I heard, or convince anyone that I knew what was being asked of us.  Not that it was or is my place to convince anyone but when you are walking in a promise so sweet (even when tears, seeking, and surrender brought you to that promise - many times the tears getting there make it all the sweeter) you sometimes just want there to be rejoicing with you as you walk in His promises and not so many "yeah right" looks.

     I love sharing what God is doing in our lives, in my life.  I get so full of joy to have His name spoken and his promises poured out.  I don't however like trying to explain it...  I just want to dance in it, walk in it.
Recently I read The Strength of Mercy with my children for our devotion time.  It was incredible - truly!!  The words I seem never to have to explain what is happening when I know God is asking, she simply describes with - "He spoke to my heart".  Is that it?  I think that is exactly the words I have been searching for!  There are audible in my heart moments when I hear specific things my Father is asking me... I hear it or I feel it however it is, these are words He is speaking right to me, to my heart!

    This book was incredible for so many reasons.  There were countless times that I could relate to the accounts of this true testimony within the book.  When God first spoke to her a promise, she needed a moment to understand what He was saying, she didn't run straight to her husband with it.  I did that when I heard God speaking these girls to us.  I didn't get fully what He was asking that evening, but I needed to understand more before I could even think to speak.  It wasn't that I wanted to keep it from him.  It was a time of processing and understanding, questioning and submitting to what I was being asked, searching my heart and surrendering.  There were moments so clearly God directed in the book, He said there will be a woman by the road, the teenage daughter repeats what God told her and .... yes there stands a woman at the side of the road later that day.  I love those moments... those moments when I am asking "did I hear you, is it just me" and then there is no mistaking because He shows up in that moment just as He said He would!

     Another part of this book I loved is that the daughter had seen Her mother listen to God's voice and obey even when it didn't seem to make sense.  From that example, that true conviction lived out of obedience, that daughter knew the Shepard's voice when He spoke to her heart - even as a teenager.  I pray that my children will also remember watching my desire to obey Him as they have grown up.  Even in this adoption they have come to me with things they feel God is speaking and I love that they know His voice already.  I love even more that He has been so good to show up to them when they come excited to share.  He hasn't left them wondering if it was truly Him.  The morning I felt God ask "If I told you I buried a treasure so deep in that field (child) that noone else sees it, would you trust me and go for it?"  I was sure I knew what He was asking and suddenly the fear wasn't as great as the promise.  We started school with devotion and as we begin, I realize the lesson is about the man that finds a treasure in the field and sells everything to buy the field!  (Mathew 13:44)  I ran when shared with the kids that morning what I heard, so when my son opened up the devotion and began to read - every one of us felt God assuring us in that moment.  His assurance to just trust Him is so loving!

     Lastly (though there was so much more to this book that I love), this account ends with the reminder that He weaves every last thread together.  I won't give away the ending, PLEASE go read it.  The ending can literally leave you waiting to breathe.  A time I remember clearly experiencing seeing how intricately these threads He weaves are woven, was during one of the times we hosted.  We were rehosting a 13 year old boy who was living in an orphanage in Ukraine.  There was a young girl who was 14 also from Ukraine, the family that was going to host her suddenly could not the day before she was scheduled to arrive.  We said we could host her.  It was unfamiliar ground as our oldest daughter was not a teenager yet.  It was such a nervous experience.  She watched as the Yevgeni, our host son, called us mom and dad.  She looked at the translator and quickly told her to tell us she didn't need a mom and dad.  I saw her studying us on the trip back, and when we stopped to eat.  The next morning I heard running down the steps.  As I turned the corner to see which of my children were barreling down the stairs, it was Olena .  She threw her arms around me and told me she loved me.  She called me mom just like that!  We left to go hiking as a family.  It took us so long to get out of the house.  The drive was over an hour.  We started up the Thousand Step trail.  Somewhere along the hike my husband sat down and some of the children begin setting down too.  A young man and young woman stop and start asking the kids if they are doing okay on the hike.  I shared that the children didn't all speak English and about hosting.  How big is God that this brother and sister turn to the children we are hosting and start speaking in Russian to them.  Seriously, if only I could give you a better glimpse.  Olena was suppose to be hosted with a family in New York.  She ended up coming with us as a back up family to a tiny rural town in PA.  We are on the side of a mountain in a little town over an hour from our home, we are hiking much later than we wanted to start - and there he placed on this mountain in the forest this Russian-speaking sibling pair that could talk with our host children.  Nadiya and her brother invited us to their Russian Church which was also about an hour from where we were hiking.  All day I thought about how big God was to do all that.  Then the day came we visited their church.  Olena kept looking around and saying very excited in Russian that she saw five friends (out of 200-300 people at the church).  My husband kept smiling and reminding her that she was in America and she didn't know anyone here.  At the end of the service a young man in front of us looked at us a few times and then returned with four other people.  Olena smiled so big.  Why??  The five people standing there in front of us were the five friends she kept saying she saw.  They were in fact five people that had ministered at her orphanage over six years ago when she arrived at the orphanage at eight years old!  They loved her so much like Jesus that she could look over a sea of faces and know that she knew them!  Oh, how God loved her that He took her from Ukraine, it seemed like she was suppose to be with a host family in New York but he puts her with us in a rural Pennsylvania town, we end up on that mountain, he puts Nadiya and her brother there, they invite us to their church....  Seriously this could have happened hundreds of other ways.  Oh but HE loves us!!  This spoke to our hearts, the hearts of Nadiya and her brother that obeyed and simply invited us to church right on the mountain, His love spoke to the hearts of the men and women that were standing there staring into the eyes of the young woman that had been a scared little girl newly orphaned the last they saw her six years ago and didn't think they would see again.  And it spoke to Olena, a child that had believed she was forgotten in that orphanage many times.  God loves her and He brought her all the way preparing every detail.  And how He loved us to even let us be a part of that!  The ending of this book, The Strength of Mercy took me right back to that place of remembering.  He takes care of EVERY last detail!
     I trust that we will see that example of perfect love again and again throughout this adoption.  Even yesterday, as we traveled four hours to pick up a shoe donation for our shoe drive from a ministry I heard about two years ago.  (In Ian's Boots - please look them up. https://www.facebook.com/InIansBoots   They lost their young son in a sledding accident.  When they got to the hospital, they were given a verse their son had tucked in his shoe.  From their great loss, they started this ministry!)  As we turned the corner into the parking lot for this donation of shoes, I suddenly realized - God you are weaving the threads again.  Two years ago I had no idea as I listened to a family member share about this ministry that this same ministry would be pouring out in giving through a shoe fundraiser to help bring our children home.  Ian's life would be woven into the legacy of the new life God has for my children. I had no idea that the loss of their son that led to the beginning of their ministry would be woven into bringing my son and daughters home.  But God knew. 

     Reading The Strength of Mercy gave me a new way to speak what I have already known and just wasn't sure how to put into words.  God speaks to our hearts!  I know His voice!  I have heard Him even when He has whispered to me!  What can be done in the strength of His Mercy?  (Taken from the book page 132) "Much is written in the Old Testament about the mercy seat, the sacred place in the tabernacle where God dwelled.  Each year on the Day of Atonement the High Priest entered the Holy of Holies, seeking mercy for the sins of the people.  Today, because of what Jesus Christ has done for us, we can daily enter into that sacred place.  His mercy is available to us moment by moment .  The strength of His mercy looked down upon humankind and saw certain death and destruction.  The strength of His mercy moved His heart to reach out to adopt us as sons and daughters.  The strength of God's mercy took Christ to the cross on our behlaf.  His strong mercy triumphed over judgment.  Through His mercy and sacrifice, He made a way for us to come home.  Just as He has rescued us, we are called to stand in the strength of His unconditional love to embrace the homeless children of the world.  He is calling us to redeem lives crushed by the circumstances of their birth.  He is calling us to save them, to lift them out.  And then, like the Father has carried us, we must carry them in love, with the strength of His mercy...and bring them home."  

  There is a moment in the book when the woman is speaking to her husband who hadn't heard what God was speaking to her yet and doubted what she heard.  She said "You are my husband.  I will submit to your decision.  But the sad thing is, if you are wrong -- if God really does want us to do this -- we will never know this side of eternity what could have been.  To me there is nothing more devastating than to miss what God has, what He wants us to do."  It would be so much more than devastating for sure... we NEED to make sure that we know His voice, that we can hear it even in the midst of busy days or tired nights.  We need to know not only when He speaks but also when He whispers.  And we will know, because He speaks to our hearts!

     I love this song... It speaks just where hearing Him and walking in obedience to His voice will take us.

 This little girl in the photo is an 8 year old girl with Spina Bifida that is wondering why no one has come for her. As you may know, two of the children we are adopting also have Spina Bifida. This wrecks my heart. No child should be alone wondering what is wrong with them and asking why they wait while they see other children chosen (shared by her director with another program). If you are considering adopting and would consider this sweet girl.... please let me know. If you aren't considering adopting at this time please PLEASE pray for her, that a family would hear God speak her to them and share her with anyone you know - God weaves these details together.  I am trusting completely that He has already spoke about her to someone's heart!

And if you haven't read it... read The Strength of Mercy!