That isn't even the full picture of what the last few months have looked like. It is more like a glimpse. It is a toss between people laughing and saying I'm crazy or asking what keeps me going or moving.
A couple weeks ago I listened to this 2010 graduation speech for Ellersie College,
"Asking the Tough Questions", given by Eric Ludy. Would you take a few minutes and listen?
Wow, right? What moves us? "There is something that gets us off the couch. What is it? Gold or God?" Gold not meaning it has to literally be gold. The gold in our lives can be anything we value. "Which is the greater appeal to your soul? Which one is driving you?"
* Just to put it out there before I go any further. When I talk through these "Tough Questions" I will give examples of some of the ways I relate to these topics. I am in NO WAY saying that I have mastered them or that my family has. It is just easier to talk out of my experiences, where we have been, and where we are at now.
Tough question number one: What Moves Us?
Not to the same degree at all or even close, just for the sake of a very small comparison: After I had the issues with my kidney stones, I did a cleanse. Every two hours beginning at 6a.m. until 8p.m I would be taking vitamins or a type of cleanse drink as instructed by the reflexologist. And no
food during the 7 days. I finished the 7 days, still had some issues and did another 7 days. One of the drinks I had to take was beet juice. I was not a fan at all... not even a little. I asked my husband if he would do just that little part with me. He took one sip and said he couldn't. All that boring detail to say, I didn't like it - but each time I had to take it I would tell myself how much I love my children (the ones at home and the ones almost home) and I want to be here for them. And with that I would take a big drink and be done. So when Eric Ludy is repeating in this speech that we chose what moves us ... I get that!
Tough question number two: Do We Really Trust Him?
This one is hard. We can actually convince ourselves we are trusting when we are not. "Do you believe that His word is in fact the word of God and wholly backed by the integrity of the Almighty? He promises to back those who believe and He cannot lie." There is a lot in those couple of sentences. First Do we believe that His word is in fact the word of God.... seriously do we believe? If we believe that His word is the word of God.... our creator, how could we do anything other than obey. If we don't believe then okay, I see how we would have no reason to obey. But if we believe God is who He says He is.... then yes, understanding who He is and what His word says is critical.
The next part regarding what He says being wholly backed by the integrity of the Almighty. It is not a 30 day guarantee or a limited guarantee in any way. It is a life-time guarantee and is backed by His integrity.
I think sometimes in being careful and overthinking what we are being asked we miss out on where trust comes in. In that we also miss out on seeing His great integrity, what He will do, what He can do, that He is who He says He is. I can tell you over and over about my friend and about her character... but until you meet her yourself and develop your own friendship with her you are not going to fully grasp her character or her integrity until you have been in a place to know it and experience it.
"So are you willing to lay it on the line to prove your God faithful?", Eric Ludy asks in the video clip. What exactly do we have to put on the line? What does he mean to prove God faithful?
Whenever I do things that look simple enough people see what I am doing or what we have done and don't realize the need for God in it. However in being willing to prove our God faithful, it is an incredible place to give a yes to something God has placed on your heart with no place for your trust to be but in Him that it can even be accomplished. So are we willing?
Tough question number three: Are We Praying To Be Excused?
This doesn't have to be outright, "No not me, God". It can also be just what Eric Ludy said: I'm too busy, I'm not the one that can accomplish that, can you give me a list of options and let me pick one instead?
We don't see trying to reason or negotiate with God as asking to be excused. We try to reason that it is just using good judgment or being realistic. And other times we are completely crying out on our knees, "not me". We reason that our house is too small, our paycheck is too small, there isn't enough time, and there are not enough resources to do what He is asking.
See it goes back to His integrity that is backing His word! If we know Him, if we have experienced Him to know His integrity, then we know that even if our house or our paycheck or our whatever it may be is small HE IS BIG! That even though we don't have enough time or enough resources, HE IS ENOUGH AND ALL WE NEED to accomplish whatever He is asking us to do. And while the seating in our car seems limited or we convince ourselves that we have a limited amount of patience and it would not be enough to do what He is asking... HE IS NOT LIMITED.
We start to think of any number of people that would be more capable to do what He is asking because we forget it is none of the things like our time, our finances, our home, our resources, who we know.... none of that matters because it won't be any of those that accomplish what He is asking it will only be Him!
We look for something that "resonates" to us. That is appealing or that even seems doable. We want to pick our own "job description". And more often than not we are completely okay with someone else getting the job description designed specifically for us, as Eric Ludy referred to it in the video. When I make a desert everybody wants theirs, when there is a chocolate for each person we each make sure to claim ours (picture kids running and lining up as dad opens a pack of candy). How much more so should we be running after and claiming what God speaks over us. If he is telling me to do this, I don't ever want to be found asking to be passed over.
Tough question number four: Do We Have A Limit To Our Obedience?
How hard is this one to answer? Our first thought can be an adamant, No! No way, there is no limit. It is difficult to see when we are putting limits on our obedience because we try to reason it away and chose not to see it as disobedience.
From the clip above, "It's like, I will follow God to this point, but anything beyond this point is extreme. Who came up with that? Doesn't God own you? Don't you realize that He Purchased your body? You belong to Jesus Christ. You've submitted your life to Him, He can do with you what He wishes. So who are you to give your life to Jesus Christ and then define the terms of how He will use your life. Do you have a limit to your obedience because if you have a limit to your obedience, something is wrong with your Christianity."
I am guessing some of that is hard to hear or makes us a little uncomfortable at the very least. When we start talking about being owned. The idea of being owned when we want to identify as our own can cause us to set up walls or even cringe. To whom do you belong, I belong to Him doesn't cause the same cautious feelings to arise as the statement that I am owned. Yet, we were indeed purchased at a price. When we purchase something it becomes ours, we own it. We could not have been bought for anything more precious. It isn't like being in the checkout line and remembering we wanted to get something so we grab a pack of gum since we are already in line. This is like taking something that is the most precious thing to us and deciding to sacrifice by giving it up for something else. When we were bought we were not that random thing in the checkout line.... we were the very thing that something precious was given for.
We hear this term referred to often, "I gave my life to Christ". But I have rarely heard anyone discuss how we give our lives to Him and then give terms. I have heard on occasion one of my children give one of their brothers or sisters a toy and then say you can only play with it in this room or in this way. They give a long list of dos and don'ts in their conditions and if the brother or sister does not adhere to the guidelines given the one who gave the toy usually ends up trying to take it back. Has that not been us to God? Here is my life God.... just don't ask me to open my home, give up my vacation to serve somewhere, drive an older car, (whatever it may be) and when it comes to those guidelines we set, if the line is crossed we question God how He could do that to us! How it's extreme that He would even ask us to do what we clearly said we would not. How did we ever come to this place of being so comfortable putting limits on what God is allowed to ask us to do?
Tough question number five: Am I Willing to Serve Forgotten and Without Applause? To Forgo the Comforts of Life?
Sometimes any of us can find it nice to hear we are doing a good thing. Not to be confused with the "You are wonderful" or the "They are so lucky to have you" because those are an entirely different thing. Just referring to situations like I was in a grocery store and saw two bags of lettuce laying on the floor in front of a woman's cart. I went over, picked them up. Put them back on the shelf and she said, "That was nice." And we appreciate when someone notices that we have made a sacrifice. (Not picking up the lettuce but when we actually give of ourselves.) However, some of the most precious moments in our giving is going to come in serving someone that has nothing to give back. It may not feel very special to bless someone that we feel did not act thankful or seem to appreciate whatever sacrifice we made in serving them. However, when we come to a better understanding that it is not to our glory but to His we begin to realize how unnecessary any attention is. It becomes almost embarrassing or uncomfortable to be acknowledged for a work we know is His.
I remember being at a training to work with orphaned children, the person leading the topic about appreciation, gratefulness, and respect started by saying "If you enjoy being appreciated, demand respect, this is not the correct place for you. When you are working with hurt children, appreciation, gratefulness, and respect take time to learn and it is not a natural reaction for these children." It goes well with that tough question number five. Can we serve without applause? There are so many, many things you can be called to where there is none. Are we okay with that?
What about the comforts of life? Eric Ludy asks, can we forgo those? We are so certain that God would not ask us to be uncomfortable in anyway. If He does then we are quick to say we don't want what He has for us to do.
Another very small example, but I was so surprised how upset people could be that we had shoes in our living room for months for the shoe drive between bagging them and transporting them to storage. Yes, it was months. Yes, we did not see the floor during that time. No, we could not sit in there. We did however have a playroom to sit in, and if not a play room a dining room, or countless other rooms. It didn't register as an inconvenience to me.... God provided $5,500 through the shoe drive, how could I look at one of the very things He would use to bring my children home as an inconvenience? Yet, there were those that made a point to tell me more than once how awful that was to do to my family.
We have also (as many other adoptive families or even just big families that we know) been presented with every possible reason adding another child or a child with special needs can be "not a good decision". It surprises me to no end that friends and strangers think it okay to tell you that you won't have friends that want to spend time with you if you have more children or if your children have different needs. That even changing diapers of children that are incontinent would be a reason given to us more than once that this would be "more work" and do we truly want to be doing this. My children have all been potty trained by two, so yes changing diapers of an older child and catheterizing will be new to me. NEW, that's it. Hard? Maybe. But not a burden and it in no way would compare to the discomfort they face every single day as orphans. The discomfort "Sadie"/Cyana has faced for 10 years, "Alonzo"/Amar has faced for 9 years, and "Sophia"/Anaiya has faced for 6 years. YEARS, not moments or days. They have had to face so much alone and I refuse to believe even one person that has tried to convince me that any (what would be seen as) uncomfortable or difficult situation that can arise by loving these children as my own would ever mean they should still be alone as orphans.
We want the blessings but we want them with the least amount of discomfort involved. How more beautiful if we would encourage one another. Instead of stating over and over about how difficult, uncomfortable, or impossible we assured each other that we will not be alone, that the blessing was worth any trial to get there? Truth from other families that have walked this and want to share some of the things you may face is good... that is entirely different then those that speak into things with only discouragement not even considering the very thing they may be trying to talk you out of may be what God was asking you or your family to do.
Tough question number 6: Am I Willing To Let Go Of My Reputation, Am I Willing To Be Misunderstood?
This one made me smile really. I tried to think of a time of not being misunderstood and it is hard to remember. It may have been in times when I hadn't spoken up, when I knew what I believed but decided to keep it to myself. I'm not willing to be that person, I don't want to believe that it isn't worth saying something when I have seen the worth over and over.
In Eric Ludy's clip above, he shares: "When you serve Jesus Christ you become the misunderstood." You're asked, "What in the world is wrong with you?" "You stand for something and you're immediately misunderstood, despised, sometimes hated."
Can we relate to that? Seems crazy that we could choose that... to be misunderstood, despised, and hated over preserving a "good reputation". What seems even crazier though is not to choose what God has called us/me/you to and trade it for something so temporary like a reputation. To trade the very blessings He has for us for any of the things of this world. If we could realize the "short season" our life is as he calls it, would we be more willing to do something then?
How have we gotten so far from love. True love that is reflective of the love that was shown to us on the cross? I was reading something from Radical. "We look back on slave-owning churchgoers of 150 years ago and ask, 'How could they have treated their fellow human beings that way?' I wonder if followers of Christ 150 years from now will look back at Christians in America today and ask, 'How cold they live in such big houses? How could they drive such nice cars and wear such nice clothes? How could they live in such affluence while thousands of children were dying because they didn't have food and water? How could they go on with their lives as though the billions of poor didn't even exist? "
If Jesus was despised and called a "worm and no man" in Psalm 22.... how much more should I be called? He is our Savior and without sin. I have on the other hand failed many times. Since the pattern of Him increasing is always and in every situation me decreasing, then I need to be very aware of that. I need to be willing to get out of the way EVERY time and in EVERY situation, that He might be seen. There have been too many occasions where had I held on to what this world thought I would have missed something beautiful.
One of my dear friends encouraged me, "Share everything He has done, every blessing He has provided in this adoption. Let people see what He is capable of." So here is just a few ways God has recently provided.
It is true, He provided completely for this adoption.... did it mean we didn't have to fundraise? Nope, we did. And it was tiring sometimes, but He so blessed it and put it on many hearts to give. We must have had so much support. Ummm, well yes and no. Those around you that you have any kind of "reputation" (so to speak) we had some support from but what God did He did mostly through strangers, and friends we have only known online. That was completely beautiful in itself because it showed again and again this was all Him.
We were blessed with an amazing double stroller that will be perfect for both girls needs. Yes, He absolutely did that! I inquired about a stroller that was posted online. It was not a price I have considered spending on many things ever and was more asking questions about the stroller to maybe keep looking for something similar. The woman wrote back and said she wanted to give us the stroller. How does that happen? It wasn't something she had posted to give away, it had been cared for and was quite expensive but she wanted to give it to us? I really believe it is only because we gave God a yes and He with the integrity He has always shown provided for that yes. Her and her husband had a daughter with a surprise diagnosis of Down Syndrome a few years ago and she said people came around them and supported them. She wanted to do the same for us. She made sure to mention that she wasn't a Christian when she wrote to say she wanted to give us the stroller. That spoke even greater to me that God will make ways even when we don't see them or understand them.
We were looking for another passenger van that would have the ability to make room for wheelchairs, especially for "Sadie's"/Cyana's when she eventually would be fitted for a motorized one. ("Sophia"/Anaiya will most likely have a wheel chair that can fold down when we travel). So two weeks ago after looking at countless vans online with very high miles and just beyond what we had available to buy a passenger van, God provided a van! More than we could have imagined! We drove to another state to submit a sealed bid. The van is a 2001 BUT it only has 44,000 miles, it was used at a housing facility for elderly people and the two back seats were never even sat in. Our bid was accepted! I don't want to bring up price at all however this time just to point everything back to God, they accepted the $6,400 we had saved and we were blessed with a van that has 44,000 miles.. that is God providing! Does that mean we only see blessing with our yes and no trials. Nope, at the very start of the adoption my husband's van had stopped running out of nowhere with no warning. He rode with other people to work and eventually got a small car after almost a year into the adoption and that car also just stopped. So for the length of the adoption we have been with one vehicle (still blessed) and just in time He provided the next need when it was actually a need and not just a want. His timing is perfect! I love that adopting families will share throughout their adoptions how many things are breaking down and how they are trusting in God to provide realizing all these things as spiritual attacks from the enemy to cause our eyes to look away from what is important.
Someone provided for our children to travel with us. That is pretty huge and while we have definitely been called crazy for even considering this.... we look and see how God has prepared us for this, how this might be a glimpse into something else we will be called to in the future, so we accept that blessing and walk in it.
We also had trouble with some of the grants requirements we were applying for. I won't get into the specific issue here as it is a very surprising yet hurtful one and it would not be to any benefit to discuss it here. BUT, I will say even when that specific hurt happened and we were for sure misunderstood in our desire to adopt these children, God provided what was needed to apply and He blessed us with three grants that were a huge part in bringing these three children home as our son and daughters. Again He reminded us, even when things make little sense, when we have no idea how, and it looks impossible He makes the way if we will only give the yes. So we lean even more into Him.
These are just some of the things God did and ways He provided..... He actually made so many, many ways. I trust that my sister in Christ who believed sharing this really will encourage someone's heart. I also want it to reflect that while we were showered in blessings we were still very much misunderstood. The blessings do not keep the trials from touching us, but wow the blessings and getting to experience Christ so personally through the trials there are just no words for. I would not trade any of it for any reputation or understanding in the eyes of man.
Eric Ludy asks Gold(anything of this world) or God, which would we gamble (or risk) to get more of? He reminds us that all throughout time people have been willing to gamble to get more gold. He asks, but which of us is willing to gamble our lives (the comfortable things and places) to get more God?
We have as husband and wife, as a family agreed that we have no use for Gold but never want to be without God. That there is no "comfortable" place in this world that compares to being in His arms in all circumstances. We think being understood is very over rated. So we will continue to get out of the way of ourselves and continue saying yes and accept any amount of being misunderstood as we walk in a blessing far greater than any understanding.
So...... with all that being said, though we are not moving as in to a new home, we are for sure relocating in the sense that we are about to go to that next place in trusting and keeping our eyes on HIM! We leave May 21 to get our children and will return June 5th!!!!
Love this song!! The part that says "It takes a soldier, Who knows his orders, To walk the walk I'm suppose to walk." That's it!! When we know what we're suppose to be doing, we need to be doing it and not getting distracted by comfortable things and easy places. We know we are to be love! And we as a family know we are to bring Cyana, Amar, and Anaiya into our lives as a son and daughters and brother and sisters so we will walk that walk!
And this part of the song too....if we could encourage each other in these things - To love like we're not scared, give when it's not fair, live life for another, to take time for a brother, to fight for the weak ones, speak out for freedom, find faith in the battle, stand tall but above it all, to keep our eyes on Him!!
Thank you everyone so much for praying, and giving, for showing love and being love to help bring our children home. If you weren't one, if you perhaps were someone that doubted, or gave reasons why this does not make sense - it's okay. God did this, and He is not done, and I trust fully if you keep watching you will see something so beautiful and made only possible by His hands.
Ekkkk... three days!
Hit rewind
Click delete
Stand face to face with the younger me
All of the mistakes
All of the heartbreak
Here's what I'd do differently
Click delete
Stand face to face with the younger me
All of the mistakes
All of the heartbreak
Here's what I'd do differently
I'd love like I'm not scared
Give when it's not fair
Live life for another
Take time for a brother
Fight for the weak ones
Speak out for freedom
Find faith in the battle
Stand tall but above it all
Fix my eyes on you
Give when it's not fair
Live life for another
Take time for a brother
Fight for the weak ones
Speak out for freedom
Find faith in the battle
Stand tall but above it all
Fix my eyes on you
I learned the lines and talked the talk (everybody knows that, everybody knows that)
But the road less traveled is hard to walk (everybody knows that, everybody knows)
It takes a soldier
Who knows his orders
To walk the walk I'm supposed to walk
But the road less traveled is hard to walk (everybody knows that, everybody knows)
It takes a soldier
Who knows his orders
To walk the walk I'm supposed to walk
And love like I'm not scared
Give when it's not fair
Live life for another
Take time for a brother
Fight for the weak ones
Speak out for freedom
Find faith in the battle
Stand tall but above it all
Fix my eyes on you
Give when it's not fair
Live life for another
Take time for a brother
Fight for the weak ones
Speak out for freedom
Find faith in the battle
Stand tall but above it all
Fix my eyes on you
The things of Earth are dimming
In the light of Your glory and grace
I'll set my sights upon Heaven
I'm fixing my eyes on you
I'm fixing my eyes on you
I'm fixing my eyes
In the light of Your glory and grace
I'll set my sights upon Heaven
I'm fixing my eyes on you
I'm fixing my eyes on you
I'm fixing my eyes
Love like I'm not scared
Give when it's not fair
Live life for another
Take time for a brother
Fight for the weak ones
Speak out for freedom
Find faith in the battle
Stand tall but above it all
Fix my eyes on you
I fix my eyes on you
I fix my eyes on you
Give when it's not fair
Live life for another
Take time for a brother
Fight for the weak ones
Speak out for freedom
Find faith in the battle
Stand tall but above it all
Fix my eyes on you
I fix my eyes on you
I fix my eyes on you
